As promised in my last post, here’s a small sample from my upcoming book, Love on the Rocks–with a Twist. “Dinner Date” is the only poem in the anthology. After the poem itself, you’ll find study notes about the communication skills, or lack thereof, demonstrated by the characters.
I’m eager for feedback, so don’t be shy.
He wants to know me better, hear my stories, read my writing.
“I could learn so much from you.”
Will I join him?
We meet, eat, talk.
He tells of his life
“I’ve been treated for PTSD,” he confides.
“I probably should have been,” I offer.
“But I’m not just talking hurt feelings,” he explains,
“I had broken bones.”
He tells me what he knows about the city
What he wants in a woman,
He confesses trouble with relationships.
He wants to learn.
I venture to suggest a favorite book,
begin to sketch its theory
on the back of my unread manuscript.
He argues against what he knows I would have said.
“Every woman I’ve known gave me some book like that.
I’ve got a stack of ‘em.”
Soon my friend will call to check on me.
“So, how can I get to know you better?”
I hint, “Ask me some questions.”
His lips shut, eyes bemused.
I try again. “What would you like to know?”
Silent, he considers.
“Can I see you again?
I could learn so much from you.”
Study Notes for “Dinner Date”
I asked myself whether I really needed to identify the lack of communication skill here. But a number of people have told me, “I’ve been on that date,” and so have I. Thus, I’d better spell it all out.
How not to get a second date:
• Focus on yourself.
• Plan ahead what you can say about yourself to impress your date.
• Also say things you think your date would like to hear, such as, “I could learn so much from you.”
• Then prove you didn’t mean them by your behavior. For example, when your date tries to tell you something, squelch her. Show her you already know what she was going to say and it won’t work for you. Or better yet, try to top her story.
Seriously gents, and ladies, the way to negotiate a second date, or a beneficial business relationship, is to focus on the other person’s interests. Plan ways to ask about those interests. Then listen. Listen to understand, not to respond. Prove you were listening by paraphrasing.
Show you wish to fully understand the other person by asking follow up questions. Notice that’s show you wish to understand, not pretend you do. If you’re not sincere, the other person will eventually see through the pretense.
Often, after you’ve done all this, you won’t need to work at making the other person understand you. (S)he will reciprocate by asking about your interests. And if (s)he doesn’t, you might not want that second date or that business relationship anyway.