Many of us erroneously believe that introverts are shrinking violets, and extroverts are chatterboxes. A more accurate understanding of these personality traits can improve our communications and the quality and efficiency of the decisions we make together. Some introverts are also shy, and some extroverts happen to be loudmouths, but there are many exceptions because the quantity of words that pour out of our mouths is not what introversion and extroversion are really about.
Extroverts tend to need fairly frequent social interaction to get their mental gears turning, or keep them turning. They often do their best thinking during a lively meeting. After a meeting or party, they often feel energized, and this is one of the ways you can recognize them.
Introverts’ mental gears are almost always turning anyway. So, when they engage in conversations, meetings, or social gatherings, they may find so many thoughts and ideas bouncing around in their heads that they can’t sort them out. They may also feel exhausted after intense interaction. They need frequent and lengthy periods of alone time in order to let these thoughts settle into a pattern or a well-reasoned decision.
What does this tell us about communication and joint decision making? If you are dealing with an extrovert, speak with them frequently, in person if possible. Engage them in the conversation by asking plenty of open questions; don’t just lecture them. If you are an extrovert, whenever you feel stumped or low in energy, find someone with whom you can talk through the issues you’re dealing with.
When interacting with an introvert, don’t push for immediate decisions on important matters during, or at the end of, a meeting. Schedule some downtime as well as a time to reconvene and aim for a decision. And if you are an introvert, be aware that an important decision you make during a meeting, or when you feel overwhelmed, is one you will likely regret. Insist on the time you need to reflect and let your thoughts settle.
In general, introverts can make themselves behave in a more extroverted manner. So they must be particularly careful about making decisions too quickly. They may feel they have come to a good decision, and enter an agreement, only to regret it afterward. Extroverts, on the other hand, often find it impossible to behave more like introverts. They will do well to turn their need for interaction in another direction, engaging with different people on a different issue, while their introverted colleagues take the time they need to get their thoughts together.
has this article changed your ideas about yourself or someone you deal with often? If so, how might you improve your communications and mutual decisions?
A good and elegantly stated reminder. There’s another trick in this all, that I think you hint at, Margaret:
I’m clergy, and I used to be minister in and to congregations (my ministry now is to the community at large). Members of my congregations often were surprised to hear that I am an introvert. They mostly saw me “on stage” at the front, with some animation, and I looked pretty extroverted. In fact, when I was done with Sunday morning, I was depleted and needed real down time.
But the trick part was that, when I was in 4th gear if not overdrive up front, when I fully stepped into an extroverted persona, I was also capable of making spot decisions and commitments to people, decisions and commitments that I really needed to let simmer in quiet for a while. I learned ultimately to say something like, “Just offhand that sounds wonderful to me, but please let me mull it over for a day. I want to be sure I really can follow through. I’ll get back to you.”
What drove me more and more to such a verbal, self-protective (but also other-protective) move was the disappointments I generated sometimes when I couldn’t and didn’t follow through. I had always to remind myself that while, on the one hand, I was being quite true in that extroverted performance, it also was an instance of improv acting…and sometimes I would forget that fact.
Keep up the great and important work you are doing!
Mark Hoelter
Thanks, Mark. Your experience not only give a concrete example of how introverts’ minds work, but also adds another layer about not disappointing others. I like your choice of self-protective language, and I will add it to my repertoire.
Excellent, Margaret! I am an introvert in an extroverted world! When I first took the Myers-Briggs many years ago, I was so shocked to find I was an introvert that I took it again! Same result. But of course, it explains my feelings of discomfort after I’ve been to large gatherings (where I invariably had a great time) and also my need for solitude daily.
Thanks, Mary. I believe computerization and other technology has made our society overvalue speed. We would make better group decisions and do less back tracking and damage control if you gave people time to reflect before deciding.
This is addressed to Mark’s posting. I was recently on a search for a settled minister. One of the interesting things we found out is that most ministers describe themselves or test as introverts. Our candidates hated having to answer our questions after their worship services were over.
Cheryl, that is interesting, and rings true with some things I’ve observed. Just the other day, I was talking with a woman who has taken my Rice U continuing studies class twice and especially liked the temperament piece. She was saying that she was once at her minister’s house helping his wife when he returned from preaching, walked in the door and flopped in a chair exhausted, a pretty sure sign of an introvert. I have heard another of our local ministers say that his (often self-deprecating) humor is his way of handling shyness (though shyness is not the same as extraversion). For me, after teaching or speaking, I may feel physically tired, but I am geared up and need to do something moderately actively when I get home to help me gear down. So even though I test on the cusp, when it gets right down to it, I’m more extraverted.